Blush is getting a new Home!!!

Ok, I'm packing up and moving again, this is the last time I promise. Come visit me at the new home of Blush (reverting back to the old name) I've got my stuff and I'm heading out, hope to see you there!!! Read more!

I've Been A Tad Bit Neglectful, Blame It On The Cash, The Phone and The Great Chicago Storm of '07

Well, the great Chicago Storm as I'm now calling it ripped through here la st night and once again I've gone unaffected. Besides the stoplights that were out that I was forced to drive through on the way to Target my life went on as usual and here I am on the eve of my birthday feeling like a princess because I've shopped for birthday presents to me all week. I got my brand new Betsey Johnson purse,tons of jewelry, tons of clothes and just tons of stuff. Plus I got my brand new cell phone with brand new verizon service (which means it actually works, yes thats a diss nextel). It's as if I feel brand new, sort of. My family is making a big deal out of this birthday, cake,party. But for God sake's I'm twenty four not twelve. Oh well, I should enjoy it while it lasts. So everyone I just wanted to know I didn't forget to write for those of you who are still reading, I just needed some me time and it was fun, most defininitely. I'm out and I'm sure I will have a story or two soon. Have a good weekend!!. Read more!

Throwing out all the stops here........

Well, here we are five days before my birthday and I feel as if I am doing some sort of countdown...life is rough again, its as if I'm kayaking and I keep hitting rocks. I can't seem to stay in high enough water to keep the kayak moving smoothly and I keep banking and getting stuck (much like when I actually kayaked)I'm tired of being lied to, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being used. I'm just plain tired. Life seems to be treating me rather unfairly lately and I don't have any reason why except that it is life and that's all I've got for that. What does everyone else do when its too much to bear? I don't have anyone to talk to they've all gone away, my best friend has left me, all of them, my family is really no help and I don't like to sound whiny but I am kind of whiny today but this aching in my heart is so intrusive and so uncomfortable that I would do anything to make it stop. I know heartache and I know time heals but what do you do till you get to that time? I'm usually the advice girl, but she's out of advice right now and is just looking for friendly ears in a very unfriendly world that is getting more and more unfriendly by the minute. Thank god for writing or I would be lost, I am kind of lost, I just realized I've rambled about my own misery for five minutes, oh well, its a lost cause anyways....... Read more!

Struggles to find my self and where I fit

It started with me being up till four am last night. With my series of delusions I thought I heard a noise in the closet and of course I panicked until I realized it was the people next door. If there ever was a person who could make a mountain out of a mole hill (or better yet something out of nothing and I do mean NOTHING) it would be me. For some reason I was born with the gene to not accept tranquility, I am uneasy when there is little drama in my life maybe due to the fact that I spent the first twenty years of my life in constant upheaval and now that things have settled down I just simply don't know what to make of the situation, anyways that's really not the point. I didn't get much sleep last night but even so I woke up feeling refreshed and I got up and got dressed and planned to go get my drivers license updated. So I'm puttering around my apartment and then suddenly it became one of those days. I spilled tea on my white shirt, my computer keeps shutting down, and I've realized that it's now one o'clock and I'm still sitting here. So much for being productive. I've been doing tons of writing lately to further myself as a writer but I'm faced with the never ending struggle of what to write, when to write how to write and so forth and so on. I feel like a walking contradiction a good portion of the time and struggle with issues of what do I share and when do I share and what makes good writing good. Do I have the talent or am I just another rambling blogger. I kept this blog up as sort of my sounding board so maybe I can ramble here, I don't know. I don't know what makes a writer good or not. I don't know what makes something worthwhile, I just know that this is what I've been doing since I was old enough to formulate sentences and I'm not quitting now. Enough of my personal ranting, I've got to get back to my day...... Read more!

Life Should Have an Undo Button....

I make a lot of split second decisions but I think I have really good intuition. I seem to know things before other people, I seem to know when something is about to happen, hey I even know the phone is going to ring before it does and I usually know who is on the other end (I'm not boasting psychic abilities here). I just seem to have a knack for knowing what other people don't. I'll often wake up in the middle of the night at a certain time only to find out the next day that something has happened to someone I know right at that time, strange huh? I'm not really sure where I am going with this at all maybe I can just feel something, I feel that I'm on the brink of something, I'm not sure what but I feel my time is coming and things are going to work for me. I just don't have a clue to what it is. I ruined the cosmetology school bit, but I did it for good reason, mainly the nagging discomfort in my stomach and heart. I listen to my intuition even when others tell me not to and its a good thing I do. I think it will be ok, I was not destined to be a hairdresser, this right here is when I'm happiest. When I can write and be who I am. I haven't found a way to profit from that yet, that's the catch, but I'm tired of ignoring what I'm happiest doing and going against the grain and making myself miserable. I've opened two more blogs, you can find them on my links section. I'm still keeping this one as my thoughts "board". I want to move in a direction that suits me and fits me and stop trying to make myself fit in a place where I don't. I'm still trying to find my voice and it's a process but I think I am making progress. Thank you everyone that reads my blog and continues to read it, I'm still going to be writing and I will be writing in more places so please come visit me as I try to figure out who I am and what exactly I'm doing here! Read more!

Moving Forward or Who Holds Us At The Stoplight Long After The Light Has Turned Green

I've had a bit of a feeling of regression lately and it hasn't been entirely a bad thing. I've been doing an awful lot of driving and I found some very old CDs, so while driving to a family party yesterday I decided it would be appropriate to listen to them and relive my "youth". I've discovered some memories I really do not want back, even if they are five years old. It also feels as if some people if my life could possibly be preventing me from moving forward and it is not the most obvious ones. Now I am beginning to wonder if there are people in our lives that keep us clinging to the past even when we know it is the wrong thing to do. How do we ever move forward and is this a gradual process
or am I really just standing still? Am I the one refusing to move or am I just surrounded by other people doing the same thing? I ask myself an awful lot of questions but I never seem to get any answers. I'm not sure what that means for me in the long run. Will I forever be trapped in a younger state or have I grown up and just do not realize it? I even begin to get frustrated with myself when I begin to write these things and often time just stop because it either scares me or makes me uncomfortable and I just quit instead of facing it. Have I grown up or am I trapped like this? I guess I would be the only one to answer that but until I get over my own insecurities I may never know. I suppose I shall move one step at a time and continue on until I reach some answer or some peace. Off I go again... Read more!

What I Want, What I Need and What I Shouldn't Have

Between the agonizing late night phone calls, the quite small, but potent amount of alcohol I drank last night and my McDonald’s breakfast eaten while watching the Greg Behrendt show this morning I’ve gained some new perspective on relationships. It seems as if the more you cling and the tighter you hold the more you lose or maybe that was the alcohol talking or maybe, just maybe, there is truth in that. What do you do when you cannot free yourself from old wounds and they are taking a serious toll on putting a current issue on the road to recovery? I’ve been combing through my past lately looking for clues that may have led me to the present. I’ve never been a serial dater; I’ve only had three serious relationships with many flings scattered in there. But those three serious relationships have left deep wounds on my heart which I am afraid may never heal. Is there some sort of barrier we develop to protect ourselves from opening these old wounds that still plague us even when we do not necessarily realize it? Romantically I do not know where I am headed, career wise I do not know where I am headed, in life I really do not know where I am headed but I started with the romance department because relationships I seem to have a better grasp on. Who we choose to partner up with may affect us years from now, but how could we ever know something like that at the time? Just when I thought there was no hope I am seeing a light although I am afraid I may blow it out with my own insecurities. Is it human nature to be afraid of repeating your past or am I an anomaly? As a little girl I really wanted a fairy tale ending, as an almost twenty-four year old I would be lying if I said I still don’t. I would be completely bold faced lying if I told you I didn’t know what I wanted my “someday” engagement ring to look like and my wedding dress. The more logical side of me knows that that may not necessarily be in the cards for me and I’ve come to a point where as much as it hurts to watch these things happen for other people, this may not be my path. Just like college was not my path. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to lose what I have and I don’t want to give up what I want. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I did not have to be so scared of the future and sometimes I don’t want to know. I hate resting uneasy, I hate “pseudo” relationships, I hate wanting something I can’t have and I hate knowing I had it and ruined it. I’m afraid I may have lost the point of this post somewhere. Sometimes life seems too hard but when you look at the alternative it’s not so bad. Hold on to what you’ve got, you don’t know when something else may come again, or maybe I’m just cynical or in the words of my sister, bitter, bitter and jaded, look I’ve gone to describe us as the same, never thought that day would come!!! Anyone else struggling, hang in there, I know I am.

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Reflections on a Year Gone By

Every year around this time I start to get nostalgic. I’m really not sure if it’s because summer is winding down or if its because my birthday is creeping up one me, or maybe it’s just the sweltering heat accompanied by the dozens of thunderstorms we seem to be getting here in the Midwest. Whatever it is I’ve been reflecting back on the past year and everything that has happened over the course of it. I was in a very different place at this time last year and I was quite possibly a very different person. I thought I knew where I was going and what I was doing but all those plans and dreams seem to have been shattered, well maybe not shattered but altered. It has been extremely difficult watching just about everyone I know graduate from colleges and universities and set off on what I consider “real” jobs while I still struggle to get by and figure out just what I want to “do”. I’ve had many dreams over the years, as a child I wanted to be a firefighter. As a teenager a therapist, as a young adult I wanted to volunteer for the Peace Corps. Where I am at now I would love to do many things, most of which are eclectic dreams that do not bring in much money and unfortunately I have expensive taste. So here I am approaching the passing of another year and I feel as if I am at a cross roads.Do I give in and settle for something that I will ultimately be very unhappy doing? Or do I stick with my heart and ride this out until I find what I am looking for? I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot be the only one with this dilemma but sometimes it feels like it and if anyone is as impatient as I am they will know that this restlessness is not an pleasant feeling. I think too many people lose their dreams and lose what they really wanted in life and I don’t want that for myself. I would rather be happy and have little that be unhappy and have a lot. I’ve been throwing out a lot of quotes lately and I’m about to toss out another one.
“Sit quietly doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself”. That was some Zen philosophy and I’ve been trying to follow it. Instead of pushing to make something happen I’ve resorted to letting nature take its course. I leave you with that and hopes that my words are well received on this day.

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Thank You!

I just wanted to say thank you to anyone who has commented in the last week or so to any of my posts. The response has been appreciated as I have been going through an awkward time and your words were very well received, thanks again. Read more!

Growing Beauty Out Of Irritation And What They Really Teach You At College

During my year at a formal college I took a course that was technically about marketing but we covered a lot of ground in that class. There was a big emphasis on discovering ourselves and maintaining our happiness as well as working on our personal growth. I remember one day the instructor telling us how a pearl is formed. Now to some people this was a rather trivial fact but I found it to be rather interesting, simply for the metaphor that he was leading into. I’m sure I cannot get the actual logistics of how exactly a pearl comes to be but from what I understand a pearl comes about when something inside a clam is irritated and the irritation grows and grows until finally the pearl grows out of it. (I’m sure there is much more technical wording and such involved in that but I’m aiming for the metaphor in this story). The point he was trying to get across was that in life if you are frustrated don’t give up cause something is going to result in all that frustration, if you push and push and push eventually you are going to come out of it with a masterpiece of sorts. It kind of ties in with one of my favorite quotes by Winston Churchill “If you’re going through hell, keep going,” Could not have said it better myself, but what good is knowing something good is waiting for us when we are in the throes of agony? When we are beaten down? When we just want to give up? When the promise of a pearl or that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow just does not matter anymore, what do we do at that point? That’s the point when it matters the most because you may not even know what your pearl is or where it is or when its coming you just have to remember that it is coming and you will get it. Blind faith is a must, if you’re going to believe in something, believe in this, if you are out there and you are stuck and you do not know where you are going or what you are doing, keep going, something will get you there. Why do I say this you ask? Do you think it has worked for me? The honest truth, no it has not. But I have some sort of faith in the universe that if I continue to struggle and continue to persevere and push and push until I push myself out of this place I will find my pearl, not that I know what it is or when its coming, but I know its there. I’ve been blessed with very good intuition and I believe in this and myself. I won’t give up, it’s just not an option and I hope anyone reading this won’t either. Look what happens when the inside of a clam is irritated. Out of struggle comes victory and beauty. I hope you will all find your own pearl.

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Here I Go Again On My Own, What We Can't Have Theme Music Around Here??

Alright, in all fairness to myself I've been through a lot and in all fairness to my writing I try to keep it as objective as possible but I think there comes a defining point with everything. Writing is an art and with all arts there is a passion and there is a soul and there is a muse dare I say. Even when that muse is formed out of pain it would be wrong not to let it speakso speak it did, relentlessly and openly. I'm the kind of person who will laugh away a problem then cry at home for the next three days but never shed those tears in front of anyone else. To open up even if it is only on here is a big hurdle. I would like to keep my writing as an outlet for what I see in the world and what I see in myself and others but there are times when I just cannot do that and the parts of me slip into the words on the page. But, I think that might just be what sets me apart from everyone and anyone else. You cannot lose yourself completely and I think that's what I tried to do, to make a voice for myself but lose my own in the process. This is a learning experience for me and I'm learning how to write and how to express who I am and what I have to say. So for whoever is reading this, even if it's just one person, thank you. I promise to deliver something, something that will make you remember me, long after you close this post. Read more!

Does Rubbing Salt in an Open Wound Hurt Or Heal?

I feel as if I am running out of steam here so here goes nothing I’m going to give it my all for tonight and hopefully it’s good enough. Once again if there is anybody who has been following my story you can well figure that the final, final, final blow has hit. This relationship is dead. Gone, over, finished and complete. The details aren’t even clear and I cannot get an answer as to what has gone wrong I just know that he has publicly declared its over before even telling me. I feel broken and relieved at the same time and this switching of moods is not comforting.
Extracting someone from your life is not exactly a simple process, and its common to say “don’t rub salt in a open wound”. But as I learned earlier this year when I had my nose pierced that sea salt is used to heal wounds. So metaphorically maybe if I let myself get over this and not stop the process, letting the “salt” in will heal me. I really don’t have much more to say at this point and I’m feeling kind of quiet. As my perspective shifts I will have more to offer to myself and everyone else. Take care everybody!
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I'm Back From Hiding

Monday July, 30th what was supposed to be a day of beginnings has become a day of endings. I’m here, I’m all unpacked and I’m settled into my new place. For any of you who have been reading any of my blogs since the beginning today was supposed to be the day when “everything” started. The big day, the day I started school and my life “began” again. Well I don’t know who I was kidding by thinking that I could make over my life by attending a school of cosmetology. Let’s all take a lesson from me a look at this strategically.
You’ve got a failing relationship and you try to mesh it together by forcing yourself into a profession just so that you’ll be occupied so you won’t be jealous of your partner’s dreams and ambitions. That was my first mistake. I don’t know if this relationship could be saved, maybe it could, maybe it couldn’t but it couldn’t be saved by me learning how to cut and dye from eight thirty in the morning to five thirty at night every single day.
You take the constant bickering and the stress and no other social support to rely on and when your world collapses you realize you have no one. When one person falls away, now you have nothing. People, don’t do this to yourself!
I think my main point is that I thought I could fix all of my problems by attending a school and I just shoved all my other issues aside. I’ve got work to do and now I have a broken heart. July 30th is the day everything ended instead of began, funny how things turn out isn’t it? I promise real content tomorrow when my head clears a little…….
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Pitfalls of Life

I have a little "problem", well the older I get the more it seems to have turned into a big "problem". It seems that I was born without motivational skills, or ambition. I may have gotten a little bit of talent because I can turn a bookcase into a living reptarium like nobody else. Or what about my ability to take the ordinary and turn it into the extraordinary. I've got wine glasses scattered around as candles and let me tell you what those do for mood lighting. I've got plates creating patterns on my walls, intricately placed so they look like they cost me more than the three dollars I paid at the thrift store. I can manipulate and craft and create with everyday things and paints and jewels and beads. Same goes for my clothing, what others do not dare to put together I can throw on in a seconds notice and be out the door. So I've got talent, maybe even truckloads of talent. But motivation and ambition seem to be lacking.
I have no formal training in anything. I have been to two colleges and dropped out of both. Why? Because I was bored, I could not stand getting up and going to class, I'd rather sit at home and write or create or do God knows what else anything but sit in class. I started out as a fashion design student, you would think I would be motivated to stay in school for. Dead wrong, I was bored to tears in two weeks. I found the industry appalling and the designs hideous, I was out of there faster than you could say "next". Then came the Cultural Studies degree and I soon realized that if I didn't want to be a teacher I needed to find an exit and fast!
So here I am trying to stay motivated to start cosmetology school and I just do not have it in me. I never have the motivation to stick with jobs or schools or programs or if we want to get technical hair colors for more than a month or two. I did finish out a year at a real college but I was never able to push myself to go back. I want to know if I was a character in Greek tragedy would this be my tragic flaw? Lack of ambition perhaps? Cannot motivate oneself to complete tasks, abandons projects as soon as she begins them. I quoted Oscar Wilde awhile back ( "There are two tragedies in life one is not getting what you want the other is getting it") I think it almost is a tragedy for me to get what I want because then I don't want it anymore. When things are out of reach for me they are much more enjoyable.
Now that I've implicated myself there has to be more of this going on, I cannot be the only one. Is this natural human nature or is it selective? I believe that not everyone feels this way because there would be no doctors, teachers, lawyers, nurses, or anybody that has any job title out there if this is true. So who does this happen to I would really like to know because it is a strange occurrence that I just don't understand. Stay tuned to see how my story ends.......

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I have two homes but not two hearts

I am in the process of writing more things I just wanted to write something to keep up with the blog. I am in the process of moving out of one apartment and into another so I don't have lots of time to be writing on here but I thought I would keep up while I still have a phone line. Moving is much harder work than I remember! I have a lot more things than I thought I had and this has become an exhausting process! Luckily I am only moving a block away. Anyhow, I will be writing more of my usual stuff and more poetry will be added. Life has been mostly busy lately so there hasn't been much time to dwell on anything else really. Which in reality has been a really good thing. Keeping my mind off of stuff has been for he better. I start school a week from today and I have many mixed feelings about that. I don't know what else to write these are not very interstning blog posts, I will post more content later I must go unpack things in the new place now!

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Quick Update...

Popping in for a quick appearance. Just to take care of a few business related things here 1)Thank you to whoever fixed the problem with my page elements they are now displaying again and all is back in working order. 2)Content may be appearing slowly in the next few days as I am in the process of moving 3) There may not be any content for a few days starting on either Tuesday or Wednesday as I wait for my new phone line to be installed
I will be posting more tonight this is just a brief update. Thank you to anyone who is reading my blog please feel free to leave comments and suggestions they are always welcome, that's it for now!! Read more!

Something Old, Something New, Not Borrowed, Although it Could Be Black and Blue

In the process of packing up all my stuff I've come across many things, some of whihc is my old poetry. This poem I am about to share was written quite a long time ago, butI like it and I feel like sharing so here it is, please click on the read more tab...

Memo To An Ex

You left me at the altar
Or a least it seemed that way
There I was tear soaked
Cussing out the guests
As they offered their apologies
You on the other hand
Snuck off with the china
And mixed up some jack and coke's
in the champagne flutes
while you played poker with your buddies
So while we are on this fictitious day
It might as well be known
You left me standing in regret
waiting for resolve
bu sunrise came and sunrise went
day in and day out
You pushed me farther and farther away
With each opening of your mouth
Your words hurt but silence burns
Slicing me to the core
Till one day I broke
I couldn't take it anymore
For someone new had been built
Not the little girl you had left hehind
a woman was standing in her shoes
one of the very best kind
see the pain had lifted
and my heart does fly
with this I say goodbye
and thank you
thank you for making me into
the person I want to be
do what yuo need to do
I'll am fine
I'll make it without you.


7/2/2005


i chose to put this poem up because it reflects how I made it through a difficult time and it gives me hope that I can do it again. Comments are welcomed like always...

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Why In Theory Back To The Future Is A Bad Idea and How to Handle Life Pushing You Forward

Everyone has heard the phrase "she was the one that got away" or maybe it was "he was the one who got away," depending on who you're talking to. Or maybe you are the one saying it, or maybe you will be saying it. This phrase has gotten a lot of usage over the years and for good reason. People slip in and out of lives continuously as we go along our journey. Some we forget, some we want to forget and some we cannot forget no matter how hard we try. Some people sear themselves into our brains and into our souls and we just cannot let go of them, no matter who or what may come along. No matter who is presently in our lives there is this seeming force behind us and with us. This would or could be the one "that got away." Now do we regret whatever action or motion caused us to lose this person even if we are happy with somebody else? Can you ever really lose that one person? Or do they follow you around for the rest of our life threatening all your future relationships? That "one" do we use them as comfort or as a burden and how do we ever really get over the "one that got away?"
For most people this relationship is a dead one and one that won't be brought back to life. So we date and we circulate and we have relationships with other people. Still we are carrying around this other person in our back pockets and in the dark hours is when they come to life. When our current relationships are crumbling you start to reflect on how great that one person was. Funny right now you can't remember all the horrible things they did to you, you can only focus on how great they are and what a comfort they would be if they were here. It's almost as if we are walking around with a baby blanket and we're clinging to it with all our might. What is that though that won't let us let go?
We're all guilty and no one is being singled out, we all might as well cry to our former flames and beg them to take us back only to realize they've had the same feelings as us in times of need. What would we be left with if we all returned to relationships that had crashed in the past? There may not be an answer for that, maybe for some it would work, for others probably the same hurt feeling. One thing's for certain, you can't turn back time, you can't go back to that place where you were in love with this person and they were in love with you. If that ship has sailed stand up tall and wave it goodbye. Much easier said than done, especially when you've been freshly hurt and what you want is a familiar face.One who knows you and your quirks and one who you think will support you. Time alters people and events and places. It's like going back to a childhood home and realizing its not the same, now imagining going back to a former partner after years and finding nothing the same, even more disappointment and hurt. Spare yourself the heartache.
Walk forward and don't turn back. As I write this I am pleading with myself as well, life pushes you in many different directions, some good,some bad, some confusing and some painful. But one thing it doesn't do, it does not push you backwards. If you fall, get up, don't wait for somebody to pick you up just get up. If you cry, cry and if you laugh, laugh. It's hard to take advice but it's harder to take your own. Whatever you do, do it for you and remember life moves forward, not back, move with it and you'll be fine,
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Till Death Do Us Part and Other Bedtime Stories That Have Found An Early Grave

Relationships, those without them want them. Those with them gripe about them. Those who have lost them mourn. We struggle to save them, end them, find them and repair them. Relationships, in the example I am making today, romantic ones, are one of the trickiest things you will experience in life. They will bring you the most joy and the most pain. You can go from elated to heartbroken and then back again. On this up and down cycle I now wonder is there ever a happy medium or is this this partnership we crave in life just one big roller coaster that we are destined to ride over and over and over again? Is love just a series of rotating partners and ups and downs or is there a happy ever after?
Relationships seem to have a certain cycle to them. You meet, you hook up, you date, you relate, and eventually you begin to deteriorate. Then you fight and the inevitable happens and you break up. Sure there are the stories of the couples who have been together for fifty years or more but the stories are becoming more scarce. It seems that love is becoming more of a thing to "rent" and when our lease is up you move on. What happened to the "happily ever after" that our parents and grandparents knew? Have we as a society thrown that away? We rotate partners faster than we change shoes and it seems as if our hearts never heal they are just covered by a hypothetical band aid. More than just "renting" love has love become a disposable item?
Think back to your relationships, especially if you are young. Now maybe this is a moot point if you are very young or maybe it just depends who you are talking to. It seems we are told you have to be a "reasonable" age to fall in love. Well, what age would that be, it still does nothing for the argument that love is disposable. Everyone seems to believe that the person they are with at the time is the "one" well maybe they are. Maybe, just maybe that is the "one" for that time, until that love runs out and they move to another one. Maybe the one great love of your life does not exist anymore and the concept of love has been broken up into "mini loves" that encompass all the different relationships we have through out our lives. Maybe we have to stop searching for the "one" and love the one we're with because that is our love, for now.
I think the concept of love and relationships has changed drastically due to changes in our society. With divorce and remarriages it makes the concept of having one true love a bit more difficult than it was in the past. People seem to grow tired of each other due to the fact that we have so much more at our disposal now. With technology and schooling and job changes and everything else that goes on it would be hard to stay with one person forever. That why I believe that love can encompass more than one person in your life. So I'm starting to believe that happily ever after and till death do us part may not be correct phrases anymore. People may find it difficult to adjust to this although I think the world already has. As for me, I don't know where I'm headed as my eyes have just been opened to this. I may find love again and again and again, for society has molded me even though I didn't want it to. Love is hard enough, maybe accepting this makes it easier, I guess I will have to wait and see.
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Inevitable Conclusion To Opening Your Heart

I've decided to add some some of my poetry so here it is.

Inevitable Conclusion To Opening Your Heart

I held on
For so long
To the thin little thread
called hope
my fingers grasped it
it an awkward fashion
and bent until they almost broke
in fact they are still sore
from the strain of disillusion
my fingers will healfaster than my heart
which aches with
a seemingly unending ache
the desperation that I felt
to amend the present
and to cling to the past
and to put off the future
I fell short
as any mortal would
time caught me
and moved me on
and out
here I am
wrapped
in a reality
harder than a dream
yet softer than a nightmare
twisted and twisting
wishing and wished
stuck
opposite
moving
slowly
go
now.....






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"Love is or it aint. Thin love ain't love at all" -Toni Morrison

I'm not sure why I picked this image and I'm not sure why I'm writing cause I don't want to be the whiny type that wallows over something I can only equate to crying over spilled milk so I'm going for a different approach here. I have been relying on quotes and advice lately. So I so very nicely threw a quote in as the title of this I as I believe many people seem to keep themselves wrapped up in relationships merely for the fact of being in a relationship but my question today is what would happen if we were truly honest with ourselves and our situations. For all of us that are really in love, what would happen if we took a good look in the mirror and at ourselves and our situations would we really be in love or are we in love for the convenience?
Are we in love simply not to be alone or simply because everyone else is or simply just because it is the thing to do? Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I'm angry with myself or maybe just maybe I'm right. I don't know if I have an answer for this one or if anyone else does either. But like Toni Morrison says thin love ain't love at all. I'm too exhausted to write more and I need to keep packing this theme will come up again for sure so stay tuned.

In reflection
-C
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Packing,Packing,Packing, Can I pack up my heart too?

I'm alone, yeah I'm all alone. It seems I got what I want and now I'm stuck and I'm miserable. I came across a quote I haven't used in a long time the other day "There are two tragedies in life one is getting what you want and the other is not getting it". Oscar Wilde said that and boy can I feel it right now, somehow I thought that when I pushed this thing to the very end I'd be happier. But I'm not. I don't think it's even fully over and I don't know if I can ever really drag myself away. I'm not strong enough to completely tear myself away from a situation taht I know is just wrong for me and possibly damaging. I yell and preach to other people all the time about this same sort of thing but in reality I am just a hypocrite. So I'm packing all my stuff up to move a block away and I can't stop crying and I hear people screaming in the apartment below me and I just want to get out of here and I can't help but feel that I'm in some transition and I just wish I could slam on the brakes but I can't, its too late. I'm going seventy miles an hour and I can't stop, my life is changing whether I like it or not, it's as if these things are happening to me and I have absolutely no control over them. Would it really be a tragedy if I got what I wanted? Would it really be a tragedy if I found some guy to love me and take care of me and treat me how they should treat me or is it just not this guy and I just don't want to accept that I screwed up again. That I wasted time, that I have to open myself up and be hurt again. I don't know, I don't have any answers, all I know is I will cave, again, and again, and again. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could take my own advice. I wish so many things, but sadly they never come true. I need sleep....goodnight everyone......

Lost in confusion
-C
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Are the things we don't say scarier than what comes out of our mouths?

I took a bit of a hiatus, unfortunately I had to. I made a split decision to move out of my apartment and with my lease running out next month I had to quickly go on a hunt for a new place to live. Luckily I seem to have solved that problem and now I have the daunting task of packing in front of me. I feel very alone these days I feel as if everyone in the world has moved on and left me standing in the shadows just waiting for something to happen. I also feel as if I am walking on eggshells. Eggshells that break too easily.I wonder what would happen if the things I keep inside my head ever came out and am I prepared for the day when they finally do. It's a time of transition and things are moving much too fast for me, I feel as if the ground is just slipping out from under my feet and I don't know if I will be able to stand. I feel as if I am being cryptic and I probably am, but I think its ok. Too much computer for one day just needed an update...... Read more!

I don't understand I just don't understand

And I want to scream it over and over and over again because I just don't, it might as well be my mantra. I don't get it, simply put I don't get it. Maybe I just don't have the function in me that knows when to stop, to quit while I'm ahead. To pick up the damn phone when people call me, to stop pushing people away to break down the front that I worked so hard to build up from all the years of failed friendships and relationships and broken promises and homes and family ties and unties. Sometimes late at night I feel like I can't breathe that if I have to live one more day in this persona I might just lose it completelythat I might tell that guy that told me I have an nice ass what he can do with that mouth of his and send him back crying to his mommy. But no, I put on my midwestern charm and win em all over and next thing you know they're eatin out of my hand, until the character breaks. I sometimes think I have an overwhelming personality, but I think it makes up for my lack of ambition or drive. What do I love, shoes, nail polish, a good Long Island Iced Tea and some dry humor. The beach, tanning, novels and biographies that never seem to end. Quotes and phrases, limericks if you will. Music that hits you so hard you feel no pain (Thanks Bob M!) and some that numbs you, big sunglasses, vintage finds, hair dye and tattoos, anything glam and who could forget the novelty that is known as the Ipod. I also love my animals and miss the ones that I've lost. I love people even when they don't love me, even when I disappoint them and don't know how to apologize or win back their trust. (that goes out to all of you, ya know who you are, I still love you guys and I am sorry even if you are laughing at my sentiment). I hate being stuck, not knowing what to do, feeling as if I've let someone down, or screwed them, or if I've misled them in anyway. I hate arrogance, I hate cockiness, I hate liars and I hate drama. That's a lot about me, but for some reason I seem to lack real ambition, I don't know if any of those things are tangible passions. My boyfriend who is mad at me because I don't see why he is so passionate about acting, makes me feel that I am defective because I don't have any real ambitions. I settled. I may have been blunt with him, but I don't understand why he is passionate about acting, clearly it doesn't make sense to me and I don't think it was wrong of me to be having those feelings and if it was wrong I could not stop them if I tried. I don't understand, I'm trying but I just don't get it, what more can I do? Maybe I am just defective, maybe I'm aimless, maybe I'm not motivated and what not. Van Gogh once said "If we are blinded by the darkness we are also blinded by the light" I think the light just hit me and it hurts, I may become everything I was always afraid of........

Squinting in the light
-C
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Hello Mafia Princess...haha that was just a joke, don't anyone take me seriously now or ever

Ok, so this pic was entitled "Mafia Princess" hence the Goodfellas poster, even though the photographer cut off the title, haha nice one Becky! I visited her last week in Fargo, ND which led to an interesting week...well an interesting week of a drunken haze. All we did was bar crawl and shop and eat chinese food and breadsticks from pizza hut. Personally my favorite move was ordering the breadsticks from pizza hut and then buying Tombstone pizza at the grocery store that was kind of classic of us. Then there's the age old question of why on earth do you preheat the oven, we still don't get this if anyone knows, somebody tell me, please. I should have been blonde, right? Ughhh, boy drama. I just told my actor boyfriend that I hate theater and don't find it a legitimate career, don't see this as going very well. Outspoken and honest, once again yes. Someone feel free to slam me for that comment as well I will take the insults. I just don't know what to do when there is such a conflict of interest, I just don't understand certain things and he doesn't understand certain things about me, like how I can buy a million pairs of shoes and still feel unsatisfied. Wow, I sound so shallow, look at my book collection and you'll realize I do read and am a lot smarter than I sound sometimes. I feel like I have two me's, sometime's three and they get lost in translation a lot. Ahhh head, hurts, right down to my hair. Worse yet, I just got yelled at saying I'm the unhappy one and I just make him unhappy because I don't know what I want, maybe I don't know what I want, but whoever said I had to know....anyways thats enough of my backtalk for one night...

Lost in Translation and Space and Time,
-C
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I'm not good at Farewell Tours or Revival Ones at that, but wait this is a beginning, I think...

Oh yeah, I'm really not good at picking up where I left off I much rather like to wipe the slate clean and start over, can we start again please? I think I tried too hard, or too much, or maybe something just overwhelmed me and then I just shut down completely. So now I'm just going to be my quirky, little twenty three, almost twenty four year old self and try to make it through this and realize that writing is not painful or the job that I was making it out to be. I'm Blushing, hehe and making bad puns. I'm not out to save the world, I'm not out to dispense relationship advice. I'm here to vent, and kick my heels up every once in awhile and just bitch like everyone else on the planet that owns a computer and has a blog seems to think they have the right to do. I am not the fashion goddess, I am not Ann Landers, I'm me and I am settling into being happy with being me. I don't really care anymore who reads this, I don't care if anyone comments on whether or not I enjoyed my walk to Petco today or my Auntie Anne's pretzel ( I did by the way they were both extremely wonderful). I had a fantastic day and that's all that matters. I want to scream about how my friends are driving me insane and my boyfriend's making me go nuts, how my parents baby me and my brother and sister ignore me, about how the cats keep crying and it's bordering on insanely hot in Chicago and my shoes are too small and am I boring you yet? I hope not, I may not be good at farewell tours or revival ones, but hell, comeback tours, if Britney Spears can do it, so can I....Illogical, yes...quirky, without a doubt, honest to a fault, oh yeah...but I guarantee I can make you smile and if there's one thing we can afford to spread, it's smiles and I'm happy to do my part, I'm back, unconventionally but hey, I never did anything the easy or normal way and why should I start now, check back with me or not, I could talk to myself all day, that way I never get lonely!! Happy 5th of July everyone, stick around, I promise entertainment at best!

Partyin Like A Rockstar
-C
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