What I Want, What I Need and What I Shouldn't Have

Between the agonizing late night phone calls, the quite small, but potent amount of alcohol I drank last night and my McDonald’s breakfast eaten while watching the Greg Behrendt show this morning I’ve gained some new perspective on relationships. It seems as if the more you cling and the tighter you hold the more you lose or maybe that was the alcohol talking or maybe, just maybe, there is truth in that. What do you do when you cannot free yourself from old wounds and they are taking a serious toll on putting a current issue on the road to recovery? I’ve been combing through my past lately looking for clues that may have led me to the present. I’ve never been a serial dater; I’ve only had three serious relationships with many flings scattered in there. But those three serious relationships have left deep wounds on my heart which I am afraid may never heal. Is there some sort of barrier we develop to protect ourselves from opening these old wounds that still plague us even when we do not necessarily realize it? Romantically I do not know where I am headed, career wise I do not know where I am headed, in life I really do not know where I am headed but I started with the romance department because relationships I seem to have a better grasp on. Who we choose to partner up with may affect us years from now, but how could we ever know something like that at the time? Just when I thought there was no hope I am seeing a light although I am afraid I may blow it out with my own insecurities. Is it human nature to be afraid of repeating your past or am I an anomaly? As a little girl I really wanted a fairy tale ending, as an almost twenty-four year old I would be lying if I said I still don’t. I would be completely bold faced lying if I told you I didn’t know what I wanted my “someday” engagement ring to look like and my wedding dress. The more logical side of me knows that that may not necessarily be in the cards for me and I’ve come to a point where as much as it hurts to watch these things happen for other people, this may not be my path. Just like college was not my path. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to lose what I have and I don’t want to give up what I want. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I did not have to be so scared of the future and sometimes I don’t want to know. I hate resting uneasy, I hate “pseudo” relationships, I hate wanting something I can’t have and I hate knowing I had it and ruined it. I’m afraid I may have lost the point of this post somewhere. Sometimes life seems too hard but when you look at the alternative it’s not so bad. Hold on to what you’ve got, you don’t know when something else may come again, or maybe I’m just cynical or in the words of my sister, bitter, bitter and jaded, look I’ve gone to describe us as the same, never thought that day would come!!! Anyone else struggling, hang in there, I know I am.