Friday, July 6, 2007

I don't understand I just don't understand

And I want to scream it over and over and over again because I just don't, it might as well be my mantra. I don't get it, simply put I don't get it. Maybe I just don't have the function in me that knows when to stop, to quit while I'm ahead. To pick up the damn phone when people call me, to stop pushing people away to break down the front that I worked so hard to build up from all the years of failed friendships and relationships and broken promises and homes and family ties and unties. Sometimes late at night I feel like I can't breathe that if I have to live one more day in this persona I might just lose it completelythat I might tell that guy that told me I have an nice ass what he can do with that mouth of his and send him back crying to his mommy. But no, I put on my midwestern charm and win em all over and next thing you know they're eatin out of my hand, until the character breaks. I sometimes think I have an overwhelming personality, but I think it makes up for my lack of ambition or drive. What do I love, shoes, nail polish, a good Long Island Iced Tea and some dry humor. The beach, tanning, novels and biographies that never seem to end. Quotes and phrases, limericks if you will. Music that hits you so hard you feel no pain (Thanks Bob M!) and some that numbs you, big sunglasses, vintage finds, hair dye and tattoos, anything glam and who could forget the novelty that is known as the Ipod. I also love my animals and miss the ones that I've lost. I love people even when they don't love me, even when I disappoint them and don't know how to apologize or win back their trust. (that goes out to all of you, ya know who you are, I still love you guys and I am sorry even if you are laughing at my sentiment). I hate being stuck, not knowing what to do, feeling as if I've let someone down, or screwed them, or if I've misled them in anyway. I hate arrogance, I hate cockiness, I hate liars and I hate drama. That's a lot about me, but for some reason I seem to lack real ambition, I don't know if any of those things are tangible passions. My boyfriend who is mad at me because I don't see why he is so passionate about acting, makes me feel that I am defective because I don't have any real ambitions. I settled. I may have been blunt with him, but I don't understand why he is passionate about acting, clearly it doesn't make sense to me and I don't think it was wrong of me to be having those feelings and if it was wrong I could not stop them if I tried. I don't understand, I'm trying but I just don't get it, what more can I do? Maybe I am just defective, maybe I'm aimless, maybe I'm not motivated and what not. Van Gogh once said "If we are blinded by the darkness we are also blinded by the light" I think the light just hit me and it hurts, I may become everything I was always afraid of........

Squinting in the light
-C

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