Ok, I'm packing up and moving again, this is the last time I promise. Come visit me at the new home of Blush (reverting back to the old name) I've got my stuff and I'm heading out, hope to see you there!!! Read more!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Well, the great Chicago Storm as I'm now calling it ripped through here la st night and once again I've gone unaffected. Besides the stoplights that were out that I was forced to drive through on the way to Target my life went on as usual and here I am on the eve of my birthday feeling like a princess because I've shopped for birthday presents to me all week. I got my brand new Betsey Johnson purse,tons of jewelry, tons of clothes and just tons of stuff. Plus I got my brand new cell phone with brand new verizon service (which means it actually works, yes thats a diss nextel). It's as if I feel brand new, sort of. My family is making a big deal out of this birthday, cake,party. But for God sake's I'm twenty four not twelve. Oh well, I should enjoy it while it lasts. So everyone I just wanted to know I didn't forget to write for those of you who are still reading, I just needed some me time and it was fun, most defininitely. I'm out and I'm sure I will have a story or two soon. Have a good weekend!!. Read more!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Well, here we are five days before my birthday and I feel as if I am doing some sort of countdown...life is rough again, its as if I'm kayaking and I keep hitting rocks. I can't seem to stay in high enough water to keep the kayak moving smoothly and I keep banking and getting stuck (much like when I actually kayaked)I'm tired of being lied to, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being used. I'm just plain tired. Life seems to be treating me rather unfairly lately and I don't have any reason why except that it is life and that's all I've got for that. What does everyone else do when its too much to bear? I don't have anyone to talk to they've all gone away, my best friend has left me, all of them, my family is really no help and I don't like to sound whiny but I am kind of whiny today but this aching in my heart is so intrusive and so uncomfortable that I would do anything to make it stop. I know heartache and I know time heals but what do you do till you get to that time? I'm usually the advice girl, but she's out of advice right now and is just looking for friendly ears in a very unfriendly world that is getting more and more unfriendly by the minute. Thank god for writing or I would be lost, I am kind of lost, I just realized I've rambled about my own misery for five minutes, oh well, its a lost cause anyways....... Read more!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
It started with me being up till four am last night. With my series of delusions I thought I heard a noise in the closet and of course I panicked until I realized it was the people next door. If there ever was a person who could make a mountain out of a mole hill (or better yet something out of nothing and I do mean NOTHING) it would be me. For some reason I was born with the gene to not accept tranquility, I am uneasy when there is little drama in my life maybe due to the fact that I spent the first twenty years of my life in constant upheaval and now that things have settled down I just simply don't know what to make of the situation, anyways that's really not the point. I didn't get much sleep last night but even so I woke up feeling refreshed and I got up and got dressed and planned to go get my drivers license updated. So I'm puttering around my apartment and then suddenly it became one of those days. I spilled tea on my white shirt, my computer keeps shutting down, and I've realized that it's now one o'clock and I'm still sitting here. So much for being productive. I've been doing tons of writing lately to further myself as a writer but I'm faced with the never ending struggle of what to write, when to write how to write and so forth and so on. I feel like a walking contradiction a good portion of the time and struggle with issues of what do I share and when do I share and what makes good writing good. Do I have the talent or am I just another rambling blogger. I kept this blog up as sort of my sounding board so maybe I can ramble here, I don't know. I don't know what makes a writer good or not. I don't know what makes something worthwhile, I just know that this is what I've been doing since I was old enough to formulate sentences and I'm not quitting now. Enough of my personal ranting, I've got to get back to my day...... Read more!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I make a lot of split second decisions but I think I have really good intuition. I seem to know things before other people, I seem to know when something is about to happen, hey I even know the phone is going to ring before it does and I usually know who is on the other end (I'm not boasting psychic abilities here). I just seem to have a knack for knowing what other people don't. I'll often wake up in the middle of the night at a certain time only to find out the next day that something has happened to someone I know right at that time, strange huh? I'm not really sure where I am going with this at all maybe I can just feel something, I feel that I'm on the brink of something, I'm not sure what but I feel my time is coming and things are going to work for me. I just don't have a clue to what it is. I ruined the cosmetology school bit, but I did it for good reason, mainly the nagging discomfort in my stomach and heart. I listen to my intuition even when others tell me not to and its a good thing I do. I think it will be ok, I was not destined to be a hairdresser, this right here is when I'm happiest. When I can write and be who I am. I haven't found a way to profit from that yet, that's the catch, but I'm tired of ignoring what I'm happiest doing and going against the grain and making myself miserable. I've opened two more blogs, you can find them on my links section. I'm still keeping this one as my thoughts "board". I want to move in a direction that suits me and fits me and stop trying to make myself fit in a place where I don't. I'm still trying to find my voice and it's a process but I think I am making progress. Thank you everyone that reads my blog and continues to read it, I'm still going to be writing and I will be writing in more places so please come visit me as I try to figure out who I am and what exactly I'm doing here! Read more!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I've had a bit of a feeling of regression lately and it hasn't been entirely a bad thing. I've been doing an awful lot of driving and I found some very old CDs, so while driving to a family party yesterday I decided it would be appropriate to listen to them and relive my "youth". I've discovered some memories I really do not want back, even if they are five years old. It also feels as if some people if my life could possibly be preventing me from moving forward and it is not the most obvious ones. Now I am beginning to wonder if there are people in our lives that keep us clinging to the past even when we know it is the wrong thing to do. How do we ever move forward and is this a gradual process
or am I really just standing still? Am I the one refusing to move or am I just surrounded by other people doing the same thing? I ask myself an awful lot of questions but I never seem to get any answers. I'm not sure what that means for me in the long run. Will I forever be trapped in a younger state or have I grown up and just do not realize it? I even begin to get frustrated with myself when I begin to write these things and often time just stop because it either scares me or makes me uncomfortable and I just quit instead of facing it. Have I grown up or am I trapped like this? I guess I would be the only one to answer that but until I get over my own insecurities I may never know. I suppose I shall move one step at a time and continue on until I reach some answer or some peace. Off I go again... Read more!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Between the agonizing late night phone calls, the quite small, but potent amount of alcohol I drank last night and my McDonald’s breakfast eaten while watching the Greg Behrendt show this morning I’ve gained some new perspective on relationships. It seems as if the more you cling and the tighter you hold the more you lose or maybe that was the alcohol talking or maybe, just maybe, there is truth in that. What do you do when you cannot free yourself from old wounds and they are taking a serious toll on putting a current issue on the road to recovery? I’ve been combing through my past lately looking for clues that may have led me to the present. I’ve never been a serial dater; I’ve only had three serious relationships with many flings scattered in there. But those three serious relationships have left deep wounds on my heart which I am afraid may never heal. Is there some sort of barrier we develop to protect ourselves from opening these old wounds that still plague us even when we do not necessarily realize it? Romantically I do not know where I am headed, career wise I do not know where I am headed, in life I really do not know where I am headed but I started with the romance department because relationships I seem to have a better grasp on. Who we choose to partner up with may affect us years from now, but how could we ever know something like that at the time? Just when I thought there was no hope I am seeing a light although I am afraid I may blow it out with my own insecurities. Is it human nature to be afraid of repeating your past or am I an anomaly? As a little girl I really wanted a fairy tale ending, as an almost twenty-four year old I would be lying if I said I still don’t. I would be completely bold faced lying if I told you I didn’t know what I wanted my “someday” engagement ring to look like and my wedding dress. The more logical side of me knows that that may not necessarily be in the cards for me and I’ve come to a point where as much as it hurts to watch these things happen for other people, this may not be my path. Just like college was not my path. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to lose what I have and I don’t want to give up what I want. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I did not have to be so scared of the future and sometimes I don’t want to know. I hate resting uneasy, I hate “pseudo” relationships, I hate wanting something I can’t have and I hate knowing I had it and ruined it. I’m afraid I may have lost the point of this post somewhere. Sometimes life seems too hard but when you look at the alternative it’s not so bad. Hold on to what you’ve got, you don’t know when something else may come again, or maybe I’m just cynical or in the words of my sister, bitter, bitter and jaded, look I’ve gone to describe us as the same, never thought that day would come!!! Anyone else struggling, hang in there, I know I am.