What I Want, What I Need and What I Shouldn't Have

Between the agonizing late night phone calls, the quite small, but potent amount of alcohol I drank last night and my McDonald’s breakfast eaten while watching the Greg Behrendt show this morning I’ve gained some new perspective on relationships. It seems as if the more you cling and the tighter you hold the more you lose or maybe that was the alcohol talking or maybe, just maybe, there is truth in that. What do you do when you cannot free yourself from old wounds and they are taking a serious toll on putting a current issue on the road to recovery? I’ve been combing through my past lately looking for clues that may have led me to the present. I’ve never been a serial dater; I’ve only had three serious relationships with many flings scattered in there. But those three serious relationships have left deep wounds on my heart which I am afraid may never heal. Is there some sort of barrier we develop to protect ourselves from opening these old wounds that still plague us even when we do not necessarily realize it? Romantically I do not know where I am headed, career wise I do not know where I am headed, in life I really do not know where I am headed but I started with the romance department because relationships I seem to have a better grasp on. Who we choose to partner up with may affect us years from now, but how could we ever know something like that at the time? Just when I thought there was no hope I am seeing a light although I am afraid I may blow it out with my own insecurities. Is it human nature to be afraid of repeating your past or am I an anomaly? As a little girl I really wanted a fairy tale ending, as an almost twenty-four year old I would be lying if I said I still don’t. I would be completely bold faced lying if I told you I didn’t know what I wanted my “someday” engagement ring to look like and my wedding dress. The more logical side of me knows that that may not necessarily be in the cards for me and I’ve come to a point where as much as it hurts to watch these things happen for other people, this may not be my path. Just like college was not my path. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to lose what I have and I don’t want to give up what I want. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I did not have to be so scared of the future and sometimes I don’t want to know. I hate resting uneasy, I hate “pseudo” relationships, I hate wanting something I can’t have and I hate knowing I had it and ruined it. I’m afraid I may have lost the point of this post somewhere. Sometimes life seems too hard but when you look at the alternative it’s not so bad. Hold on to what you’ve got, you don’t know when something else may come again, or maybe I’m just cynical or in the words of my sister, bitter, bitter and jaded, look I’ve gone to describe us as the same, never thought that day would come!!! Anyone else struggling, hang in there, I know I am.

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Why In Theory Back To The Future Is A Bad Idea and How to Handle Life Pushing You Forward

Everyone has heard the phrase "she was the one that got away" or maybe it was "he was the one who got away," depending on who you're talking to. Or maybe you are the one saying it, or maybe you will be saying it. This phrase has gotten a lot of usage over the years and for good reason. People slip in and out of lives continuously as we go along our journey. Some we forget, some we want to forget and some we cannot forget no matter how hard we try. Some people sear themselves into our brains and into our souls and we just cannot let go of them, no matter who or what may come along. No matter who is presently in our lives there is this seeming force behind us and with us. This would or could be the one "that got away." Now do we regret whatever action or motion caused us to lose this person even if we are happy with somebody else? Can you ever really lose that one person? Or do they follow you around for the rest of our life threatening all your future relationships? That "one" do we use them as comfort or as a burden and how do we ever really get over the "one that got away?"
For most people this relationship is a dead one and one that won't be brought back to life. So we date and we circulate and we have relationships with other people. Still we are carrying around this other person in our back pockets and in the dark hours is when they come to life. When our current relationships are crumbling you start to reflect on how great that one person was. Funny right now you can't remember all the horrible things they did to you, you can only focus on how great they are and what a comfort they would be if they were here. It's almost as if we are walking around with a baby blanket and we're clinging to it with all our might. What is that though that won't let us let go?
We're all guilty and no one is being singled out, we all might as well cry to our former flames and beg them to take us back only to realize they've had the same feelings as us in times of need. What would we be left with if we all returned to relationships that had crashed in the past? There may not be an answer for that, maybe for some it would work, for others probably the same hurt feeling. One thing's for certain, you can't turn back time, you can't go back to that place where you were in love with this person and they were in love with you. If that ship has sailed stand up tall and wave it goodbye. Much easier said than done, especially when you've been freshly hurt and what you want is a familiar face.One who knows you and your quirks and one who you think will support you. Time alters people and events and places. It's like going back to a childhood home and realizing its not the same, now imagining going back to a former partner after years and finding nothing the same, even more disappointment and hurt. Spare yourself the heartache.
Walk forward and don't turn back. As I write this I am pleading with myself as well, life pushes you in many different directions, some good,some bad, some confusing and some painful. But one thing it doesn't do, it does not push you backwards. If you fall, get up, don't wait for somebody to pick you up just get up. If you cry, cry and if you laugh, laugh. It's hard to take advice but it's harder to take your own. Whatever you do, do it for you and remember life moves forward, not back, move with it and you'll be fine,
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Till Death Do Us Part and Other Bedtime Stories That Have Found An Early Grave

Relationships, those without them want them. Those with them gripe about them. Those who have lost them mourn. We struggle to save them, end them, find them and repair them. Relationships, in the example I am making today, romantic ones, are one of the trickiest things you will experience in life. They will bring you the most joy and the most pain. You can go from elated to heartbroken and then back again. On this up and down cycle I now wonder is there ever a happy medium or is this this partnership we crave in life just one big roller coaster that we are destined to ride over and over and over again? Is love just a series of rotating partners and ups and downs or is there a happy ever after?
Relationships seem to have a certain cycle to them. You meet, you hook up, you date, you relate, and eventually you begin to deteriorate. Then you fight and the inevitable happens and you break up. Sure there are the stories of the couples who have been together for fifty years or more but the stories are becoming more scarce. It seems that love is becoming more of a thing to "rent" and when our lease is up you move on. What happened to the "happily ever after" that our parents and grandparents knew? Have we as a society thrown that away? We rotate partners faster than we change shoes and it seems as if our hearts never heal they are just covered by a hypothetical band aid. More than just "renting" love has love become a disposable item?
Think back to your relationships, especially if you are young. Now maybe this is a moot point if you are very young or maybe it just depends who you are talking to. It seems we are told you have to be a "reasonable" age to fall in love. Well, what age would that be, it still does nothing for the argument that love is disposable. Everyone seems to believe that the person they are with at the time is the "one" well maybe they are. Maybe, just maybe that is the "one" for that time, until that love runs out and they move to another one. Maybe the one great love of your life does not exist anymore and the concept of love has been broken up into "mini loves" that encompass all the different relationships we have through out our lives. Maybe we have to stop searching for the "one" and love the one we're with because that is our love, for now.
I think the concept of love and relationships has changed drastically due to changes in our society. With divorce and remarriages it makes the concept of having one true love a bit more difficult than it was in the past. People seem to grow tired of each other due to the fact that we have so much more at our disposal now. With technology and schooling and job changes and everything else that goes on it would be hard to stay with one person forever. That why I believe that love can encompass more than one person in your life. So I'm starting to believe that happily ever after and till death do us part may not be correct phrases anymore. People may find it difficult to adjust to this although I think the world already has. As for me, I don't know where I'm headed as my eyes have just been opened to this. I may find love again and again and again, for society has molded me even though I didn't want it to. Love is hard enough, maybe accepting this makes it easier, I guess I will have to wait and see.
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"Love is or it aint. Thin love ain't love at all" -Toni Morrison

I'm not sure why I picked this image and I'm not sure why I'm writing cause I don't want to be the whiny type that wallows over something I can only equate to crying over spilled milk so I'm going for a different approach here. I have been relying on quotes and advice lately. So I so very nicely threw a quote in as the title of this I as I believe many people seem to keep themselves wrapped up in relationships merely for the fact of being in a relationship but my question today is what would happen if we were truly honest with ourselves and our situations. For all of us that are really in love, what would happen if we took a good look in the mirror and at ourselves and our situations would we really be in love or are we in love for the convenience?
Are we in love simply not to be alone or simply because everyone else is or simply just because it is the thing to do? Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I'm angry with myself or maybe just maybe I'm right. I don't know if I have an answer for this one or if anyone else does either. But like Toni Morrison says thin love ain't love at all. I'm too exhausted to write more and I need to keep packing this theme will come up again for sure so stay tuned.

In reflection
-C
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