Packing,Packing,Packing, Can I pack up my heart too?

I'm alone, yeah I'm all alone. It seems I got what I want and now I'm stuck and I'm miserable. I came across a quote I haven't used in a long time the other day "There are two tragedies in life one is getting what you want and the other is not getting it". Oscar Wilde said that and boy can I feel it right now, somehow I thought that when I pushed this thing to the very end I'd be happier. But I'm not. I don't think it's even fully over and I don't know if I can ever really drag myself away. I'm not strong enough to completely tear myself away from a situation taht I know is just wrong for me and possibly damaging. I yell and preach to other people all the time about this same sort of thing but in reality I am just a hypocrite. So I'm packing all my stuff up to move a block away and I can't stop crying and I hear people screaming in the apartment below me and I just want to get out of here and I can't help but feel that I'm in some transition and I just wish I could slam on the brakes but I can't, its too late. I'm going seventy miles an hour and I can't stop, my life is changing whether I like it or not, it's as if these things are happening to me and I have absolutely no control over them. Would it really be a tragedy if I got what I wanted? Would it really be a tragedy if I found some guy to love me and take care of me and treat me how they should treat me or is it just not this guy and I just don't want to accept that I screwed up again. That I wasted time, that I have to open myself up and be hurt again. I don't know, I don't have any answers, all I know is I will cave, again, and again, and again. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could take my own advice. I wish so many things, but sadly they never come true. I need sleep....goodnight everyone......

Lost in confusion
-C
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Are the things we don't say scarier than what comes out of our mouths?

I took a bit of a hiatus, unfortunately I had to. I made a split decision to move out of my apartment and with my lease running out next month I had to quickly go on a hunt for a new place to live. Luckily I seem to have solved that problem and now I have the daunting task of packing in front of me. I feel very alone these days I feel as if everyone in the world has moved on and left me standing in the shadows just waiting for something to happen. I also feel as if I am walking on eggshells. Eggshells that break too easily.I wonder what would happen if the things I keep inside my head ever came out and am I prepared for the day when they finally do. It's a time of transition and things are moving much too fast for me, I feel as if the ground is just slipping out from under my feet and I don't know if I will be able to stand. I feel as if I am being cryptic and I probably am, but I think its ok. Too much computer for one day just needed an update...... Read more!

I don't understand I just don't understand

And I want to scream it over and over and over again because I just don't, it might as well be my mantra. I don't get it, simply put I don't get it. Maybe I just don't have the function in me that knows when to stop, to quit while I'm ahead. To pick up the damn phone when people call me, to stop pushing people away to break down the front that I worked so hard to build up from all the years of failed friendships and relationships and broken promises and homes and family ties and unties. Sometimes late at night I feel like I can't breathe that if I have to live one more day in this persona I might just lose it completelythat I might tell that guy that told me I have an nice ass what he can do with that mouth of his and send him back crying to his mommy. But no, I put on my midwestern charm and win em all over and next thing you know they're eatin out of my hand, until the character breaks. I sometimes think I have an overwhelming personality, but I think it makes up for my lack of ambition or drive. What do I love, shoes, nail polish, a good Long Island Iced Tea and some dry humor. The beach, tanning, novels and biographies that never seem to end. Quotes and phrases, limericks if you will. Music that hits you so hard you feel no pain (Thanks Bob M!) and some that numbs you, big sunglasses, vintage finds, hair dye and tattoos, anything glam and who could forget the novelty that is known as the Ipod. I also love my animals and miss the ones that I've lost. I love people even when they don't love me, even when I disappoint them and don't know how to apologize or win back their trust. (that goes out to all of you, ya know who you are, I still love you guys and I am sorry even if you are laughing at my sentiment). I hate being stuck, not knowing what to do, feeling as if I've let someone down, or screwed them, or if I've misled them in anyway. I hate arrogance, I hate cockiness, I hate liars and I hate drama. That's a lot about me, but for some reason I seem to lack real ambition, I don't know if any of those things are tangible passions. My boyfriend who is mad at me because I don't see why he is so passionate about acting, makes me feel that I am defective because I don't have any real ambitions. I settled. I may have been blunt with him, but I don't understand why he is passionate about acting, clearly it doesn't make sense to me and I don't think it was wrong of me to be having those feelings and if it was wrong I could not stop them if I tried. I don't understand, I'm trying but I just don't get it, what more can I do? Maybe I am just defective, maybe I'm aimless, maybe I'm not motivated and what not. Van Gogh once said "If we are blinded by the darkness we are also blinded by the light" I think the light just hit me and it hurts, I may become everything I was always afraid of........

Squinting in the light
-C
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Hello Mafia Princess...haha that was just a joke, don't anyone take me seriously now or ever

Ok, so this pic was entitled "Mafia Princess" hence the Goodfellas poster, even though the photographer cut off the title, haha nice one Becky! I visited her last week in Fargo, ND which led to an interesting week...well an interesting week of a drunken haze. All we did was bar crawl and shop and eat chinese food and breadsticks from pizza hut. Personally my favorite move was ordering the breadsticks from pizza hut and then buying Tombstone pizza at the grocery store that was kind of classic of us. Then there's the age old question of why on earth do you preheat the oven, we still don't get this if anyone knows, somebody tell me, please. I should have been blonde, right? Ughhh, boy drama. I just told my actor boyfriend that I hate theater and don't find it a legitimate career, don't see this as going very well. Outspoken and honest, once again yes. Someone feel free to slam me for that comment as well I will take the insults. I just don't know what to do when there is such a conflict of interest, I just don't understand certain things and he doesn't understand certain things about me, like how I can buy a million pairs of shoes and still feel unsatisfied. Wow, I sound so shallow, look at my book collection and you'll realize I do read and am a lot smarter than I sound sometimes. I feel like I have two me's, sometime's three and they get lost in translation a lot. Ahhh head, hurts, right down to my hair. Worse yet, I just got yelled at saying I'm the unhappy one and I just make him unhappy because I don't know what I want, maybe I don't know what I want, but whoever said I had to know....anyways thats enough of my backtalk for one night...

Lost in Translation and Space and Time,
-C
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I'm not good at Farewell Tours or Revival Ones at that, but wait this is a beginning, I think...

Oh yeah, I'm really not good at picking up where I left off I much rather like to wipe the slate clean and start over, can we start again please? I think I tried too hard, or too much, or maybe something just overwhelmed me and then I just shut down completely. So now I'm just going to be my quirky, little twenty three, almost twenty four year old self and try to make it through this and realize that writing is not painful or the job that I was making it out to be. I'm Blushing, hehe and making bad puns. I'm not out to save the world, I'm not out to dispense relationship advice. I'm here to vent, and kick my heels up every once in awhile and just bitch like everyone else on the planet that owns a computer and has a blog seems to think they have the right to do. I am not the fashion goddess, I am not Ann Landers, I'm me and I am settling into being happy with being me. I don't really care anymore who reads this, I don't care if anyone comments on whether or not I enjoyed my walk to Petco today or my Auntie Anne's pretzel ( I did by the way they were both extremely wonderful). I had a fantastic day and that's all that matters. I want to scream about how my friends are driving me insane and my boyfriend's making me go nuts, how my parents baby me and my brother and sister ignore me, about how the cats keep crying and it's bordering on insanely hot in Chicago and my shoes are too small and am I boring you yet? I hope not, I may not be good at farewell tours or revival ones, but hell, comeback tours, if Britney Spears can do it, so can I....Illogical, yes...quirky, without a doubt, honest to a fault, oh yeah...but I guarantee I can make you smile and if there's one thing we can afford to spread, it's smiles and I'm happy to do my part, I'm back, unconventionally but hey, I never did anything the easy or normal way and why should I start now, check back with me or not, I could talk to myself all day, that way I never get lonely!! Happy 5th of July everyone, stick around, I promise entertainment at best!

Partyin Like A Rockstar
-C
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