I've Been A Tad Bit Neglectful, Blame It On The Cash, The Phone and The Great Chicago Storm of '07

Well, the great Chicago Storm as I'm now calling it ripped through here la st night and once again I've gone unaffected. Besides the stoplights that were out that I was forced to drive through on the way to Target my life went on as usual and here I am on the eve of my birthday feeling like a princess because I've shopped for birthday presents to me all week. I got my brand new Betsey Johnson purse,tons of jewelry, tons of clothes and just tons of stuff. Plus I got my brand new cell phone with brand new verizon service (which means it actually works, yes thats a diss nextel). It's as if I feel brand new, sort of. My family is making a big deal out of this birthday, cake,party. But for God sake's I'm twenty four not twelve. Oh well, I should enjoy it while it lasts. So everyone I just wanted to know I didn't forget to write for those of you who are still reading, I just needed some me time and it was fun, most defininitely. I'm out and I'm sure I will have a story or two soon. Have a good weekend!!. Read more!

Throwing out all the stops here........

Well, here we are five days before my birthday and I feel as if I am doing some sort of countdown...life is rough again, its as if I'm kayaking and I keep hitting rocks. I can't seem to stay in high enough water to keep the kayak moving smoothly and I keep banking and getting stuck (much like when I actually kayaked)I'm tired of being lied to, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of being used. I'm just plain tired. Life seems to be treating me rather unfairly lately and I don't have any reason why except that it is life and that's all I've got for that. What does everyone else do when its too much to bear? I don't have anyone to talk to they've all gone away, my best friend has left me, all of them, my family is really no help and I don't like to sound whiny but I am kind of whiny today but this aching in my heart is so intrusive and so uncomfortable that I would do anything to make it stop. I know heartache and I know time heals but what do you do till you get to that time? I'm usually the advice girl, but she's out of advice right now and is just looking for friendly ears in a very unfriendly world that is getting more and more unfriendly by the minute. Thank god for writing or I would be lost, I am kind of lost, I just realized I've rambled about my own misery for five minutes, oh well, its a lost cause anyways....... Read more!

Struggles to find my self and where I fit

It started with me being up till four am last night. With my series of delusions I thought I heard a noise in the closet and of course I panicked until I realized it was the people next door. If there ever was a person who could make a mountain out of a mole hill (or better yet something out of nothing and I do mean NOTHING) it would be me. For some reason I was born with the gene to not accept tranquility, I am uneasy when there is little drama in my life maybe due to the fact that I spent the first twenty years of my life in constant upheaval and now that things have settled down I just simply don't know what to make of the situation, anyways that's really not the point. I didn't get much sleep last night but even so I woke up feeling refreshed and I got up and got dressed and planned to go get my drivers license updated. So I'm puttering around my apartment and then suddenly it became one of those days. I spilled tea on my white shirt, my computer keeps shutting down, and I've realized that it's now one o'clock and I'm still sitting here. So much for being productive. I've been doing tons of writing lately to further myself as a writer but I'm faced with the never ending struggle of what to write, when to write how to write and so forth and so on. I feel like a walking contradiction a good portion of the time and struggle with issues of what do I share and when do I share and what makes good writing good. Do I have the talent or am I just another rambling blogger. I kept this blog up as sort of my sounding board so maybe I can ramble here, I don't know. I don't know what makes a writer good or not. I don't know what makes something worthwhile, I just know that this is what I've been doing since I was old enough to formulate sentences and I'm not quitting now. Enough of my personal ranting, I've got to get back to my day...... Read more!

Life Should Have an Undo Button....

I make a lot of split second decisions but I think I have really good intuition. I seem to know things before other people, I seem to know when something is about to happen, hey I even know the phone is going to ring before it does and I usually know who is on the other end (I'm not boasting psychic abilities here). I just seem to have a knack for knowing what other people don't. I'll often wake up in the middle of the night at a certain time only to find out the next day that something has happened to someone I know right at that time, strange huh? I'm not really sure where I am going with this at all maybe I can just feel something, I feel that I'm on the brink of something, I'm not sure what but I feel my time is coming and things are going to work for me. I just don't have a clue to what it is. I ruined the cosmetology school bit, but I did it for good reason, mainly the nagging discomfort in my stomach and heart. I listen to my intuition even when others tell me not to and its a good thing I do. I think it will be ok, I was not destined to be a hairdresser, this right here is when I'm happiest. When I can write and be who I am. I haven't found a way to profit from that yet, that's the catch, but I'm tired of ignoring what I'm happiest doing and going against the grain and making myself miserable. I've opened two more blogs, you can find them on my links section. I'm still keeping this one as my thoughts "board". I want to move in a direction that suits me and fits me and stop trying to make myself fit in a place where I don't. I'm still trying to find my voice and it's a process but I think I am making progress. Thank you everyone that reads my blog and continues to read it, I'm still going to be writing and I will be writing in more places so please come visit me as I try to figure out who I am and what exactly I'm doing here! Read more!

Moving Forward or Who Holds Us At The Stoplight Long After The Light Has Turned Green

I've had a bit of a feeling of regression lately and it hasn't been entirely a bad thing. I've been doing an awful lot of driving and I found some very old CDs, so while driving to a family party yesterday I decided it would be appropriate to listen to them and relive my "youth". I've discovered some memories I really do not want back, even if they are five years old. It also feels as if some people if my life could possibly be preventing me from moving forward and it is not the most obvious ones. Now I am beginning to wonder if there are people in our lives that keep us clinging to the past even when we know it is the wrong thing to do. How do we ever move forward and is this a gradual process
or am I really just standing still? Am I the one refusing to move or am I just surrounded by other people doing the same thing? I ask myself an awful lot of questions but I never seem to get any answers. I'm not sure what that means for me in the long run. Will I forever be trapped in a younger state or have I grown up and just do not realize it? I even begin to get frustrated with myself when I begin to write these things and often time just stop because it either scares me or makes me uncomfortable and I just quit instead of facing it. Have I grown up or am I trapped like this? I guess I would be the only one to answer that but until I get over my own insecurities I may never know. I suppose I shall move one step at a time and continue on until I reach some answer or some peace. Off I go again... Read more!

Reflections on a Year Gone By

Every year around this time I start to get nostalgic. I’m really not sure if it’s because summer is winding down or if its because my birthday is creeping up one me, or maybe it’s just the sweltering heat accompanied by the dozens of thunderstorms we seem to be getting here in the Midwest. Whatever it is I’ve been reflecting back on the past year and everything that has happened over the course of it. I was in a very different place at this time last year and I was quite possibly a very different person. I thought I knew where I was going and what I was doing but all those plans and dreams seem to have been shattered, well maybe not shattered but altered. It has been extremely difficult watching just about everyone I know graduate from colleges and universities and set off on what I consider “real” jobs while I still struggle to get by and figure out just what I want to “do”. I’ve had many dreams over the years, as a child I wanted to be a firefighter. As a teenager a therapist, as a young adult I wanted to volunteer for the Peace Corps. Where I am at now I would love to do many things, most of which are eclectic dreams that do not bring in much money and unfortunately I have expensive taste. So here I am approaching the passing of another year and I feel as if I am at a cross roads.Do I give in and settle for something that I will ultimately be very unhappy doing? Or do I stick with my heart and ride this out until I find what I am looking for? I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot be the only one with this dilemma but sometimes it feels like it and if anyone is as impatient as I am they will know that this restlessness is not an pleasant feeling. I think too many people lose their dreams and lose what they really wanted in life and I don’t want that for myself. I would rather be happy and have little that be unhappy and have a lot. I’ve been throwing out a lot of quotes lately and I’m about to toss out another one.
“Sit quietly doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself”. That was some Zen philosophy and I’ve been trying to follow it. Instead of pushing to make something happen I’ve resorted to letting nature take its course. I leave you with that and hopes that my words are well received on this day.

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Growing Beauty Out Of Irritation And What They Really Teach You At College

During my year at a formal college I took a course that was technically about marketing but we covered a lot of ground in that class. There was a big emphasis on discovering ourselves and maintaining our happiness as well as working on our personal growth. I remember one day the instructor telling us how a pearl is formed. Now to some people this was a rather trivial fact but I found it to be rather interesting, simply for the metaphor that he was leading into. I’m sure I cannot get the actual logistics of how exactly a pearl comes to be but from what I understand a pearl comes about when something inside a clam is irritated and the irritation grows and grows until finally the pearl grows out of it. (I’m sure there is much more technical wording and such involved in that but I’m aiming for the metaphor in this story). The point he was trying to get across was that in life if you are frustrated don’t give up cause something is going to result in all that frustration, if you push and push and push eventually you are going to come out of it with a masterpiece of sorts. It kind of ties in with one of my favorite quotes by Winston Churchill “If you’re going through hell, keep going,” Could not have said it better myself, but what good is knowing something good is waiting for us when we are in the throes of agony? When we are beaten down? When we just want to give up? When the promise of a pearl or that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow just does not matter anymore, what do we do at that point? That’s the point when it matters the most because you may not even know what your pearl is or where it is or when its coming you just have to remember that it is coming and you will get it. Blind faith is a must, if you’re going to believe in something, believe in this, if you are out there and you are stuck and you do not know where you are going or what you are doing, keep going, something will get you there. Why do I say this you ask? Do you think it has worked for me? The honest truth, no it has not. But I have some sort of faith in the universe that if I continue to struggle and continue to persevere and push and push until I push myself out of this place I will find my pearl, not that I know what it is or when its coming, but I know its there. I’ve been blessed with very good intuition and I believe in this and myself. I won’t give up, it’s just not an option and I hope anyone reading this won’t either. Look what happens when the inside of a clam is irritated. Out of struggle comes victory and beauty. I hope you will all find your own pearl.

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Here I Go Again On My Own, What We Can't Have Theme Music Around Here??

Alright, in all fairness to myself I've been through a lot and in all fairness to my writing I try to keep it as objective as possible but I think there comes a defining point with everything. Writing is an art and with all arts there is a passion and there is a soul and there is a muse dare I say. Even when that muse is formed out of pain it would be wrong not to let it speakso speak it did, relentlessly and openly. I'm the kind of person who will laugh away a problem then cry at home for the next three days but never shed those tears in front of anyone else. To open up even if it is only on here is a big hurdle. I would like to keep my writing as an outlet for what I see in the world and what I see in myself and others but there are times when I just cannot do that and the parts of me slip into the words on the page. But, I think that might just be what sets me apart from everyone and anyone else. You cannot lose yourself completely and I think that's what I tried to do, to make a voice for myself but lose my own in the process. This is a learning experience for me and I'm learning how to write and how to express who I am and what I have to say. So for whoever is reading this, even if it's just one person, thank you. I promise to deliver something, something that will make you remember me, long after you close this post. Read more!

Pitfalls of Life

I have a little "problem", well the older I get the more it seems to have turned into a big "problem". It seems that I was born without motivational skills, or ambition. I may have gotten a little bit of talent because I can turn a bookcase into a living reptarium like nobody else. Or what about my ability to take the ordinary and turn it into the extraordinary. I've got wine glasses scattered around as candles and let me tell you what those do for mood lighting. I've got plates creating patterns on my walls, intricately placed so they look like they cost me more than the three dollars I paid at the thrift store. I can manipulate and craft and create with everyday things and paints and jewels and beads. Same goes for my clothing, what others do not dare to put together I can throw on in a seconds notice and be out the door. So I've got talent, maybe even truckloads of talent. But motivation and ambition seem to be lacking.
I have no formal training in anything. I have been to two colleges and dropped out of both. Why? Because I was bored, I could not stand getting up and going to class, I'd rather sit at home and write or create or do God knows what else anything but sit in class. I started out as a fashion design student, you would think I would be motivated to stay in school for. Dead wrong, I was bored to tears in two weeks. I found the industry appalling and the designs hideous, I was out of there faster than you could say "next". Then came the Cultural Studies degree and I soon realized that if I didn't want to be a teacher I needed to find an exit and fast!
So here I am trying to stay motivated to start cosmetology school and I just do not have it in me. I never have the motivation to stick with jobs or schools or programs or if we want to get technical hair colors for more than a month or two. I did finish out a year at a real college but I was never able to push myself to go back. I want to know if I was a character in Greek tragedy would this be my tragic flaw? Lack of ambition perhaps? Cannot motivate oneself to complete tasks, abandons projects as soon as she begins them. I quoted Oscar Wilde awhile back ( "There are two tragedies in life one is not getting what you want the other is getting it") I think it almost is a tragedy for me to get what I want because then I don't want it anymore. When things are out of reach for me they are much more enjoyable.
Now that I've implicated myself there has to be more of this going on, I cannot be the only one. Is this natural human nature or is it selective? I believe that not everyone feels this way because there would be no doctors, teachers, lawyers, nurses, or anybody that has any job title out there if this is true. So who does this happen to I would really like to know because it is a strange occurrence that I just don't understand. Stay tuned to see how my story ends.......

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